interkuliyyah and other things.
Today is Ezrin’s birthday! ---------- This weekend, I was mostly debating. Oh, I also joined the public speaking competition. The worst part of the last day was me leaving behind my phone in my room. Ah, I also had to sit for my computer programming test 1 in the evening. ---------- This thought has been hanging lately… I wonder if it’s about what I’m studying. Being the liberalist I tend to tune my mind to be… So, at the end of the day, I remained torn. A change. I hate feeling this way, because I have over and over again in the duration I’ve been studying engineering. ‘Puteri, jangan macam ni…’ (Puteri, don’t be like this) And I wrote another rambling-like poem. [ Untitled. ] Fudged up, unsure.. I break my own heart, My confidence is built as a wall, I act my age,
2006-08-21, 1:09 p.m.
*party music*
*hugs Ez*
;-)
It was for Interkuliyyah and it was fun =)
I had Ezanee and Ira as teammates, we were Engine 1.
With 2 wins and 2 lost score, we managed to break into quarters (which shocked me to my bones actually, but yeah…)
We lost to the 1st breaking team, Econs 1.
But we had a good time and I learned a lot on case-building from Ezanee.
Basically, I enjoyed working with both of you!
=)
It was a last-minute thing, yet I actually made it to finals!
(hahaha…)
During the 1st round, I spoke about ‘shoes’.
In semis, I was given ‘time and tide waits for no man’.
In the finals, I was given ‘inflation’.
Grr, hated the last topic ;p
But I managed to come up with something anyway.
The result?
Nah, I didn’t make it - Ezanee, Suhaib and Danial made top 3.
Congrats, you guys ;-)
I felt so naked without it!
By the time I was reunited with it, there were over 10 messages in my inbox and a miscall from a friend.
Talk about HECTIC huh?
*faints*
I’ve been doing some serious thinking.
… About what I’m going to do with my life – now and in the future.
I thought I had my plans and I will just follow them through.
But lately, something just doesn’t feel right.
Which is engineering…
Don’t get me wrong, I do to certain extend like my course.
BUT,
My belief in this has been shaken by some deeper questions some of my friends (who are changing course) are contemplating –
“Do you see yourself doing this for the rest of your life?”
“I know you can do it… But do you like it?”
“Do you enjoy your classes?”
…
I find myself torn.
A part of me says…
“just stick to the path you’ve paved, there’s nothing so direly wrong with it… you’re scoring alright, just keep working hard… science is what you’ve been doing all your life”
Yet, another part of me says…
“you know you don’t enjoy doing calculations and complicated experiments anymore...
you know PR is your strength… You know you’ll do better in arts… you know you’re more passionate about that”
My choices of (perhaps) different course are Law and Human Sciences (political science/communication).
Why?
I find reading and understanding a more enjoyable task for me to do.
I feel more about people-related issues/matters rather than engines and motor works. calculus.
BUT,
The thing which is stopping me from taking action is the fear of regretting my decision later when I end up doing another course.
When I start missing working with computers and calculators!
Because as weird as it sounds, I may.
Am I brave enough to take such a risk?
And I am still freaking undecided!
A voice at the back of my mind tells me constantly.
…
:-/
*wonders*
Angsty, angsty mood – I was in.
Filled with insecurities,
If I open up,
Would you believe these are all me?
I can’t reveal weakness,
Cos each time I do,
Things get so twisted,
Til I can’t tell which are truths.
I hold back tears,
To try to be strong,
But I, myself, keep telling others,
To do this is wrong,
I told you that I will be okay,
Even though inside I’m dying everyday,
I’ve been programmed to bounce back quickly,
I only reveal emotions I want you to see,
The happiness I portray is not an act,
But that feeling don’t always stay and that’s a fact,
If I smile, it’s only for that while,
I pretend it’s sweet to swallow bile,
In the worst ways,
If something good comes,
I’ll start counting the days…
For it to leave me…
I just can’t seem to let things be.
To never show how low I feel when I fall,
My pride is built on countless encounters,
With hardships, struggles and failures,
I never feel good enough,
I find it hard to stay tough,
Each time I exceed expectation,
I never feel I can remain constant.
But I’m really a child,
I always feel judged,
Like life itself is a trial,
Perhaps it is better to conceal…
Than to give it as it is,
Than to showcase what’s real…