I love you SO much, Atuk.
2006-06-20, 3:10 a.m.

At 2:00 a.m on the 15th June of 2006 (which is a Friday night, Alhamdulillah…) I lost one of the greatest men who have made my life as beautiful as it is today… my dearest grandfather, more affectionately called Atuk.

His full name is Raja Mushahar bin Raja Sulaiman.
He was supposed to celebrate his 66th birthday on the 16th of June and Father’s Day on the 18th… but I’m sure Allah has His reasons for taking him away sooner…

All throughout the 65 years he’s lived,
He’s been grandma’s true love – her best friend and husband.
He’s been a great father – his children’s happiness was his priority.
He’s been a wonderful grandfather – we were his pride and joy.
He puts his family above all others.
He’s taught me a lot about being strong, patience, kindness, integrity, the importance of education… and unconditional love.
He is/was a great man and always will be…
=)

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It was about 11.30 p.m. of 14th June when we received that fateful call from grandma at home, she was in tears and requested that we bring her to see grandpa.
She was at home as she wasn’t feeling well herself and decided against accompanying him that night upon grandpa’s own request…
The hospital called her a few minutes earlier and told her grandpa was ‘sick’.
He had trouble breathing.
He’s been admitted into the CCU (Coronary Care Unit).
I guess that meant his condition was critical, but this didn’t quite register in my mind then.

This came to us as a surprise because about 3 hours ago, we were with him in his ward… and he looked completely healthy… and so happy.
He was smiling, laughing and joking… looking forward to so many things since he was allowed to go home the next day.

We quickly drove to the hospital.
Everyone was silent in the car, some were reciting prayers.

When we reached the ER, we were told to stay outside and wait.
Doctors and nurses (as well as equipments) rushed in and out of the ward…
Things didn’t look very good.
But I was trying my best to stay positive.
My grandma stopped one of the medical officers and asked how my grandpa’s doing… her reply was “not too bad”.
I so desperately needed assurance, I believed her…

Then, about an hour and a half later, mom and grandma was called in.
Everyone sighed in relief… we thought the operation must have been successful.
I ran to the doors as it closed behind my two women and looked through the glass to catch a glimpse of grandpa…
But instead, a doctor wearing a surgical mask appeared behind the curtains and spoke to mom and grandma.
I will never forget their instant reaction… both burst into tears - grandma looked as if she was about to faint and mom ran out of the ward covering her face.
My heart dropped, literally.

“What happened?”, I let out a scream.
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?”, the rest of my family members asked, everyone panicked.
We ran into the operation room and saw grandpa lying motionless, with wires strapped everywhere on his upper body.
“Jantung atuk dah berhenti…”, my grandma managed to sob out next to me.
The doctors were trying to revive him the best they could.
One of them was already on the operation table on top of my grand’s body hitting his chest hard to choke life into him.

It all seemed surreal.
It’s like a scene from one of the many movies that I watch in emergency rooms…
The difference with this one is that it’s really happening.
That person whose heart is not beating anymore is my grandpa…
MY grandpa.

I couldn’t think straight anymore.
Automatic tears fell from my eyes.
I started praying loudly while staring at the doctors and nurses attempts at keeping my grandpa alive…
Willing with all my heart and soul, he’ll be alright…
That he’ll suddenly jolt awake and all’s good again.
That we’ll get to laugh about this whole thing later.
That if I can have one miracle in my life, this is when it should come…

But that later never came… my miracle didn’t happen.

The doctors and nurses called us to come closer …and asked us to say our final goodbye…
To make him ‘mengucap’ (recite the dua kalimah syahadah a.k.a conformation of belief in Allah and His messenger)
They said there’s nothing more that can be done.
This is it.
“This is it?”, my mind screamed… “No, no, no…”

Grandma became hysterical, mom broke down like never before, my auntie starting shaking and crying profusely while dialing up her mobile to call my uncle, my younger brothers were plain shocked… some cried, some looked confused… Dad was trying to calm the rest down.

My tears kept falling as I stare at the screen of the monitor which indicates his heart rate… the line’s getting weaker and weaker… I willed it to change…
But I quickly realized it wouldn’t.
We’re losing him…
This IS it.
We have to let him go…
But we have to let him go the right and best way.

Dad realized this too and he quickly went to grandpa’s ears to make him ‘mengucap’.
Mom, grandma, my teenage brothers and myself followed suit.
I managed to whisper..
“I love you so much, Atuk. If you can hear what we’re saying, recite with us in your heart… remember all of us love you SO much, Atuk… ‘Asyahadu alla ilahailallah, Wa asyhadu anna muhammadarrasulullah’….”

I grabbed a Yassin and started reciting it… while holding grandpa’s left arm.
I can feel the life drain out of him.
I can see the lines on the screen flattening and hear the high pitched sound/ring which means his heart has stopped pumping completely…

When a nurse appeared behind me and announced “dia dah tak ada ya…”
My visions blurred as I kiss grandpa’s cheeks, which was already turning cold by then.

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The next few hours went by quickly.
More family members appeared and proper procedures were done.
By about close to 5a.m, grandpa’s body was already neatly wrapped in ‘kain kapan’ and familiar faces of extended relatives seem to flash by as they arrive at our grands’ house and recite Yassin for him.

He looked so peaceful… I can’t help but smile a little.
It’s such a pure form to be in.

At around 10.30 a.m., grandpa was safely buried in a graveyard in our neighbourhood.

The next few days, we hosted tahlil every night. It’s been 5 days already… we’re doing this for a week, so 2 more days of tahlil to go as of now. Hope all goes well…

I feel so much more spiritual lately and I also feel very close to God in a way…
Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise of some sort.

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Ya ALLAH,
Thank you for letting us borrow this man for such a priceless period of time…
Nenek had him for over 42 years.
Mama and Pokcu had him for 40 years…
And I had him for almost 20.
I hope my younger brothers will always remember the time they had with him too… because they were just as precious…
=)

I love you so much, Atuk…
Wherever you are right now, I want you to know that.
My heart will never be quite the same again with your absence.
I will never forget you, never…

I will miss your daily calls and visits…
How you insist on watching CNN and Al-Jazeera instead of StarWorld and MTV… ;D
How you never failed to stand by me when I needed you to…
How you always had faith in my abilities…
How you never say NO when I ask for something…
How you tolerated my stubbornness (which I got from you, I know =) …)
How we can sit across/next to each other in silence and then part ways feeling it was a quality time spent.
… and especially how much you love each and every one of us… in your own way.

I thank you for loving me and your ability to respect me as an adult yet still treating me as the same little princess you took care of since her early years….
& I will recite prayers and Yassin daily for you, I promise, because that is the only link we’ll have from now on… I’ve learned to be redha with this turn of event and for your sake, I accept that you had to leave us and InsyaAllah, you have gone to a better place…

I love you so indescribably much, Atuk…
*hugs in heart*

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